life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
