i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
