Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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