I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
