Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
