Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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