just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got inside last night via doggy door
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
