sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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