Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
