I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
