Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
