You're completely useless in the revolution.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
