I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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