apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
