i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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