You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
