he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
