Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
