There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize