I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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