I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize