That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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