So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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