The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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