Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
