if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
