I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
