I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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