Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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