yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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