I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
