I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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