pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Too much gin, very little bucket
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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