Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
