good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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