oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
