I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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