Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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