I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize