I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
