When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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