laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
