But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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