Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i believe in u and ur pee
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
