We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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