I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
