I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
