hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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