Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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