What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
