It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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