conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize