12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
