I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
