New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
