Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
