He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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